A not so un-typical day in the life of Fej.

I awoke on time and dragged the kids out of bed. After breakfast I yelled repeatedly until they were dressed and in the Jeep (remember my Suburban is at the shop). We braved the brutal traffic and dropped kid #1 at school on time. After a short drive to the younger kids’ school, we killed a half-hour on the playground waiting for the “duty” teachers to show up. I then drove to work.

I attended my usual morning meeting and anxiously awaited a call from the dealership. After 10:00 AM I called them and they had no idea who I was or what car I was talking about. About an hour later someone called to say they would find the problem, they do at least have my car. Another meeting and it was time for lunch. My super sandwich I made myself was not so super. I’ll just stick to what I know I like. I then received a call on my mobile phone, which lost signal of course and then reminded me the battery was low. I also forgot to bring the charger. Crap.

It was my wife and she then called my desk phone. She was gasping for breath and begging me to help her. I calmed her down and attempted to discern the problem. She said she couldn’t breath and repeatedly begged me to help her. I told her to call 911 and I’d be there soon. Check Bipolar disorder and Hypochondria for an explanation of my mild reaction.

I made the 15-mile drive to her apartment and explained some of her background and symptoms to the crews of two ambulances and a fire truck. After helping her down the stairs they loaded her up, I locked the apartment and went home. I plugged in my dying phone and sat down with my dog on the couch for three minutes after checking the mail. It was probably the high point of his day and come to think of it, mine too.

I grabbed the charger and went to take out a loan. I figure I’d need the cash for the car repair and this weekend’s trip to Colorado. I then rolled back into work (just a bit late..) and went straight into another meeting. I left my phone to charge in my office. Upon returning, of course I had missed the call from the dealership. He left a message and I subsequently left him a message in return. I then ran down stairs to talk to production and then left again to pick up the kids from school.

I picked up kid #1 and we headed to the younger kids’ school and killed another half-hour waiting for school to finish. During the hour and a half after missing the dealer’s call, I placed numerous unanswered calls back to my service “specialist”. After asking to talk to another “specialist”, who couldn’t help me, I finally got a call from “my” specialist. He proceeded to inform me that everything would total just short of $1000. Lovely.

I called my mom to see if they could watch the kids while I went back to work. They had just got back in town from vacation and I decided not to bother them. My boss understood and I made the kids wait in the Jeep until I packed up and sent off one last email. I couldn’t get a hold of my wife at the emergency room, I have her keys and I know she’ll need them. I knew I wasn’t up for cooking dinner so we went to McDonalds. After getting home, I left my oldest in charge and delivered my wife’s keys to her. She had been discharged with antibiotics for her strep throat. My mother-in-law had picked her up.

After a 1.5-hour conference call with China, I read stories and put the little ones to bed. My oldest remembered a forgotten assignment and just now finished with a little help from me. Now you’re all caught up.

Fej.

Random thoughts

Cats are a pain in the ass. I have three, none of which I personally acquired, however I feel that pets are a commitment. I take good care of them but want to toss them great distances at times. Like now when my middle cat jumps from the bed, to the keyb*ord, to the monitor (if you could only see it shake), finally to the warm PC itself up on top. This morning as we were rushing out the door my youngest cat had cornered a mouse in a pile of laundry. I managed to grab him in my son’s shirt (which he was very proud of) and place him outside.

My new (to me) car left me high and dry this evening. It was running great and just died. I sat there for quite some time before deciding that it would be a shell of a car if I left it there overnight. I had it towed to a nearby dealership and await anxiously to see what this will cost me. I’m (surprisingly) hardly stressed about this at all. Given the last six months of car troubles I’ve had this is not much of a surprise, it’s just with a different vehicle.

I called my wife today (after getting a call from my 11-year-old 20 minutes after school was over) to see if she was going to pick up the kids, and her speech was extremely slurred. Last year at this time, she was heavily addicted to medication. I know she isn’t past it despite what she says, but she has been doing very well lately. I didn’t let her come pick me up from the dealership, my sister luckily was able to take care of it.

On a lighter note, here is one of the best kid moments I can recall:

My youngest daughter was 4, my son 3. They were running around the living room. I started to notice that my daughter’s laughter was turning to nervous cry/laughing as she got close to catching her younger brother as they raced around the room. He runs with so much arm, butt, and head movement that his chubby little legs don’t move very fast. As her skinny little legs brought her closer and closer, her laughter changed nearly completely to crying. I raised my voice and asked, “What is going on here!?”

She replied “My brother is chasing me!!” as she was about to run him down from behind. I have a small house, it’s a much better story if you are in the living room while I tell it.

Fej.

Marriage

What I miss about being married, not necessarily in order of importance: (I know I am still married technically, but after a year and half of being apart it sure feels like I’m not.)

1. I miss having help. I started off on the wrong topic because she never helped. I suppose I’m being a bit too harsh here, she rarely helped. Help can be dished out in a variety of ways: meals, vacuuming, taking care of the kids, a kind word, etc. Any of those were rare occurrences from her. Just having another person around was sometimes helpful though.

2. Companionship. I miss this a lot. I was contacted by Nielson TV ratings to do a survey. They pay you $10 to write down every single thing you watch for a week. Nickelodean, Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, done. I haven’t watched a non-kid movie since my last flight back from China. The movie before that was on the way to China, do you catch the trend here? It’s more than watching TV, when the kids are in bed its just me and ... well you’re reading it.

3. A friend. It would be wrong to say we were the best of friends because then it’s not likely we would be apart. I was always holding back and never truly happy whether I realized it or not. Still, it was nice to have someone to talk to about whatever you needed to talk about.

4. A family. It just doesn’t feel like the same kind of family anymore.

5. A partner. There are the obvious reasons of course, it’s been a year and a half and I well ... it’s been a long damn time OK?!

That’s all I can think of now. I want a friend, a lover, a person to complete this family, but I know it isn’t her.

Fej.

This is my Jeep.

Kids at work

I had to go back to work at 8:30 PM tonight. We had some contractors come in to town that needed to use our network to access a machine in China. Normally the policy is that anyone who doesn’t work there or hasn’t filled out an NDA cannot come in the building. I changed (or violated, if you’re of the “glass is half-empty” club) that policy tonight and brought in my kids. Screw them if I have to come in at 8:30 PM on a Friday night. No one else could do it, and we are not talking about rocket science here either. So, if they are not willing to put in the up front investment to do this stuff right, that means I bring in my kids.

It went fairly well and the excitement of “Dad breaking the rules” quickly wore off to “don’t you have any games on your computer?” This was said front of my semi-boss of course. I have multiple levels of bosses but this guy was, up until recently, my real boss for the last two years. I laughed it off and then hooked them up with the YETI games.

I get to take them to work for a couple hours every year in April for the “Bring your kids to work day”. It ranks right up there with birthdays and Halloween; the kids really look forward to it. The excitement wore off in about a half-hour because Dad actually had to work. In April we just screw around for several hours. My son actually thought that they handed out donuts and gift bags everyday in the cafeteria and wondered why I didn’t bring them home for him on a regular basis...

I bribed them with candy and coke and that of course only wound them up more, duh. My cubicle buddy has tons of bubble wrap and that occupied them a little, but then the noise began to interfere with our conference call. I was able to pull them out of there after about 2 hours and I think we even accomplished what we needed to.

I think they got their first taste of the fact that “work” is not as fun as it seems.

Fej.

Scams

A couple months ago I received several very deceiving emails. I was reminded of these recently when I received another similar email the other day.

The first series were from a girl named Anna from Russia. The letters were very detailed and asked a lot of questions about me. She was single and looking for an American friend. I was intrigued of course and replied to most of her questions. I got back another long response with a whole herd of further questions for me. In this one she mentioned that she wanted to eventually marry and move to the US. And only on our second email exchange… I was still getting used to the idea of being single again and the last thing I wanted was another wife, at least so soon. A picture was included in each email and of course she was very pretty.

I felt obligated to relate my current situation to her and explain about my kids and marital separation. I did tell her that I was more than willing to stay in communication with her and do whatever else I could do to help her out. Then the third email arrived and it was even longer than the rest. She dove into a very long and in-depth explanation of her family and life in Russia. She also seemed unfazed by my marital situation and didn’t really mention anything about it. She wanted to know my home address so she could write and several other rather more personal things. I swear the pictures, while nearly identical, were getting a little more suggestive each time.

In every email, she went from writing in perfect English to gross grammatical errors often in the same sentence. I began to get a little suspicious. While not wanting to offend a potentially legitimate plea for help, I also didn’t want to give out any personal information. I replied to a couple questions and put in a bogus street address.

The following email was no different from the former ones. Perfect transfer of meaning with gross spelling and grammatical errors. Not a single reference to any question I posed to her and no raised curiosity that I lived on 123 Main St., Anytown USA. This time, I replied by copying and pasting her entire email into a blank message and then inserting a bogus phone number (that she had asked for) randomly into the text.

Her reply made it clear that this was obviously a scam. She wanted to call me and was alluding to her rapidly deteriorating financial situation. No mention of my email and only that she couldn’t wait to talk to me.

The new email I got the other day is almost worth posting. A 22-year-old Liberian girl wants me to adopt her and her 19-year-old brother. Both of their parents had been the victims of recent and untimely deaths and she needed a valid US bank account to transfer her $19.5 million dollar inheritance into. She allowed that she would settle for my handling of her money and just assisting them with investing it wisely if I didn’t want to adopt them.

If hear about someone else becoming suddenly rich thanks to their newly adopted adult Liberian children I’ll be more than a bit disappointed.

Fej.

My Jeep

After about 6-8 weeks of my Jeep running in the paper and various other media’s, I received a total of maybe 5 phone calls and only two people came by to actually see it. The first guy made a good offer but it was only the second day that the add had been running so I wanted to wait. He of course found another one. I’m not sure that whether in hindsight I’m disappointed or not. Now that I’ve traded in the van for the Suburban and my payments are way lower that I really need to sell the Jeep anymore. I’m going to pilfer my 401K a little to ease some immediate pain and hopefully I’ll just end up keeping it.

That would be so nice. I’ve at least taken out the for sale sign, that was just torturing me to no end.

Fej.

New job

I want to find a job that pays me (what I make now or more) to just drop off and pick up my kids from school.

I know, I'm not the only one who would want a job like this, but humor me. I actually look forward to getting the kids ready for school, driving them there and listening to the wide variety and virtually endless possible questions I’ll hear on the way. Then I’d like nothing more than to blow the next 5 hours cleaning house or cars or running errands or whatever. Then I’ll head back out and pick up the noisy little critters and listen to a bunch of complaining, odd questions, and requests for things I can’t afford to do with them. And I’ll enjoy every minute of it, without the stresses of returning to my own job, on top of all this.

Okay, so the requests for my resume are not exactly pouring in. I just thought I’d throw this out there…

Fej.

My job.

After all these years and reoccurring desires to quit or veiled threats of wanting to be laid off, I think I’m finally at the point where I truly want to leave my job. Job security has been a complete unknown for the last 6 years or so. If I could give you any idea of where this company was going, that would be insider information and I don’t want to go to jail. Martha might get six months or so, but I’m sure they put me away for much longer than that. Despite having no idea how much longer I’d be employed at this place, I’ve always put forth extra effort, sacrificed home and family and been the model employee. I don’t mean to say that none of this has been rewarded. I’ve gone far and the experience I’ve gained should help me wherever I go.

Who the heck knows what’s going to happen though? That’s the real kicker. Five years ago I was telling people that I only had a year or two left and now those people are gone, but I’m still there. Last year I was sure that I was a goner and one person leaves and all of a sudden I’m back in the middle of things. That can also translate to going to China 3 times in 6 months. That kind of job security is pushing me to find another job that doesn’t require these kind of trips.

Most of all, the security of the place that has swallowed a third of my life is also possibly holding me down. I have never really desired to go down the path I’m going. Engineering is exciting, stimulating, and something that I don’t suck at. However, I don’t think I could retire and say, “this is exactly what I wanted to do with my life”, and be content with it.

This is probably all just a bunch of BS though, they will want me to go to China soon and I’ll put on the company hat and say “sure”. I hate that.

Fej.

30 + women

I hope this is all true. I borrowed this from Catherine Grace's blog.

Here is a piece written by Andy Rooney - CBS 60 Minutes.

"As I grow in age, I value women who are over 30 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 30 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 30 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.

A woman over 30 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 30 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.

Women over 30 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

A woman over 30 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women.

A woman over 30 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 30. They always know.

A woman over 30 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 30 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

Yes, we praise women over 30 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 30+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress."

Sunday

I hope everyone had a good weekend (that didn’t have to work). I did have a good weekend, but it was really short. I suppose that’s a common indicator of a good weekend though.

It’s difficult to know what you want and being aware of what you need to do to accomplish it. To have to wait is both a test of patience and resolve. It’s also a way to be sure that everything you are going through is worth it. I hope that it makes it all the more worth while once you get there.

Fej.

Zoo night

Tonight was our company picnic. It was at the zoo and we got the whole place to ourselves. There was a time when this meant 5000+ people would show up across multiple days. A couple hundred people made it and I contributed heavily bringing along 8 family members. It was fun but nothing outstanding. I truly think I’ve worked for this place for way too long.

I spent most of the day pushing myself along to get some things done. I accomplished a lot and would have even finished putting away the laundry had it not been for a cat sleeping in the basket. A lousy excuse but it allowed me to take a nap also. A luxury I rarely get to partake in.

I sorted and organized my DVD and VHS movies. I started doing this with the intention that I’d watch a movie tonight. I’ve brought back hundreds of DVD’s from China but I strangely seem to have far less than that here. Not that I should care, the last time a watched a movie (not including G-rated kid movies) was on the plane ride back from China. The next one I watch will probably be on a flight back over there.

I’m feeling rather uninspired, I hope everyone else is having a good Saturday night though.

Fej.

Acetone

I’ve found that cheese flavored popcorn is one of the most addicting foods available. I have gone through an assortment of foods that I find irresistible, this being one of them. Heath bars are now considered a daily necessity, which is a promotion from addictive treat. I quit smoking last January so replacing that vice has been a constant strain. From what I hear it may always be a void that can’t be filled no matter how glad I am that I quit.

Cheese flavored popcorn and acetone are not good together. My middle daughter found tonight that beef jerky and acetone are also a poor combination. I’m leaning towards the possible conclusion that acetone and anything else edible is a poor combination. You are probably wondering how I figured this out? Quite by accident actually.

A little history: my middle child is not just a girl but approximately 137% girl. She terrifies me. She loves everything that has to do with being a woman. Painting her finger and toenails is one of the things she loves and does quite often. I introduced her to acetone (polish remover) so that she could wipe her canvas clean and start anew. 10 fingers and 10 toes translates to 20 potential colors…

I’m innocently eating my Chester’s cheese flavored popcorn and find the acetone uncapped and on the bathroom sink. My daughter had just finished removing old polish and adding several new colors. Oh well, at least she put it back in the bathroom. I put the cap back on and placed it under the sink. I then grabbed another handful of popcorn and shoved it all in my mouth. I then realized that the puddle around the polish remover cap and the moisture my fingers acquired from putting it back on was not water, but acetone. It tastes horrible and can ruin an entire bag of perfectly good popcorn. Even washing your hands doesn’t help. The popcorn was tainted.

That was a couple weeks ago and tonight another new coat of paint had been applied to her appendages. She was eating beef jerky all the while and FYI, washing your hands and the beef jerky will still not remove the flavor of acetone.

Just a warning to those of you possibly not aware of the horrible taste (not to mention the potential lethal effects) of acetone. We are fine, just a little smarter…

Fej.

More fun

The little ones were complaining this morning that mom always drops them off late too school. They’ve only been going for three days so far and one day they were late because of doctor’s appointments. I figure they are probably just exaggerating. I decided to take the whole crew and just barely made it in time thanks to horrific traffic. After further interrogation, it does sound like they have only been on time to school 1 of 3 days so far.

I then get a call during lunch from my wife, she is off to the hospital again and since my mother-in-law doesn’t know where my oldest daughter’s new school is, they need me to pick her up. So I pick her up and head to the little one’s school to meet them so I can get back to work. We walk the whole school, meet up with past and present teachers and they finally show up as I’m driving off with all the kids. No problem, they want to take them shopping.

I suggest that I’ll pick them up before my game but they tell me not to worry and they’ll bring them by later. At approximately one hour past their bedtime, my kids are finally dropped off. They can’t be put to bed right away though because they need to finish dinner. They did buy my children shoes and clothes so I didn’t go postal. I really wanted to though because this has been an issue from day one. Bedtime is no big deal when you sleep until noon or drop the kids back off with their parents. I digress…

I am really enjoying my new gas guzzling SUV. It drives great, the AC works, CD player works, has power, and even the nay-sayers at work are rather surprised at its gas mileage so far. I have also already driven nearly 700 miles in about 11 days. This is not typical for me but everyday I seem to have another reason to drive across town. Today, besides double trips to the kids’ schools, I had to pick my wife up from the ER. Don’t be too alarmed, this is at least a semi-monthly event. She is bi-polar and also a hypochondriac. The ER that the ambulance dropped her off at was of course, across town. If you think I’m just being insensitive and crass, this is the 4th or 5th ambulance ride she has had in the last two months. Not one of them has resulted in a hospital admission or anything more than additional painkillers.

I’ve vented and should go to bed, after just one more game of Yeti.

Fej.

Softball

I joined a softball team at work this spring. I think, due to the layoffs, they are getting desperate. So I paid my $40 and then went to China and missed the whole season. I then joined the summer league, which our tight wad company actually paid for (must have been a tax break or something in there). Whoever runs the organization put us back into the competitive league despite our failure to finish a single game without being 10-runned.

So we won our first game but have been painfully spanked every time since. The fact that the other team didn’t show up for the first game is in no way any indicator that we would have actually lost the game if it had been played. Tonight was our last regular season game and it was against a team with actual uniforms, bat bags, and who completely slaughtered us the last time we played them. I don’t know what drove it, but we were kicking butt. We started off with several runs and held them well. It was in the 5th inning (usually when we have the game called because we can’t score the 15-20 points we need to stay in the game) and we are up to bat and down by only 4. I finally make some reasonable use of the bat and get a double. Then, the umpire who had been making calls by flipping coins or rolling dice all night, called a blatantly obvious “ball” a “strike”. Even the other team agreed it was a really bad call. So one thing leads to another, the guy I hit to 3rd gets thrown out of the game and then the umpire calls the whole game.

We finally play like a real team, against a team that is very good, and get kicked out only to lose. We had only one out and had already scored 2 points that inning.

Oh well, we’ll talk about that game for a while to come. I hope the umpire made it to his car safely, some of the guys were pretty upset.


Fej.

CNN.com - Bear guzzles 36 beers%2C passes out at campground - Aug 18%2C 2004

Fej bear

This would be me, reincarnated as a bear...

Random nonsense

I think I’ve managed to wean myself from the super addictive Yeti game long enough to post tonight. I really need to stop playing that crap.

The kids are doing well in school, although my oldest is 1 for 3 in days that she has liked middle school. I think it’s almost as bad for me, I couldn’t even sleep Sunday night I was so nervous for her. It’s a long story that I could only bear to tell over drinks, not in a blog. Anyway, we moved our kids to an out of district school and it has been great up until now. We didn’t know that we needed to start the application process in January and now we can’t get her into the same middle school that all of her elementary school friends are going into. She is doing well but between not knowing anyone and with the uniform policy she is stretched pretty thin. Stress.

I got a strange call today. My wife’s good friend called me around lunchtime. She stays with my wife in her apartment all the time so I didn’t understand the direction of her questions until after the call. I’m slow too… She asked if I dropped my oldest off at school first and then the youngest at the apartment. I take my oldest to school and she takes the younger ones because of the different start times. I replied that I went to the apartment first of course. Then she asked if “anyone else” was there. I figured she was referring to her sister who also stays over occasionally. Then she didn’t elaborate and it got sort of uncomfortable. I reaffirmed that no one else was there that I knew of and we ended the call. This friend is close to my wife but they have their differences like the ocean has tides. I think “someone” must have spent the night and my wife’s friend was a bit bent about it. This same woman would not talk to my wife all last year when we first separated. Everyone including her likened my wife to a leper and wouldn’t even talk to her. Things were strange, but as far apart as we were emotionally, I was the closest person to her that whole time. Sounds strange, but again, this is one of those “over a few beers” conversations.

Then my brain kicks into gear and I realize that something weird must of just happened after she hung up. My first reaction: anger, jealousy, or curiosity? No, I just had visions of some independently wealthy man with infinite patience, a desire for chaos, instability, emotional roller coasters, and a very strong desire to find a women with children that he really never wanted to get very close to but could be a good (distant) step father too. I believe that would be a run-on sentence but it pretty much sums up my sentiments. I don’t know what really happened, I forgot about it until now. I want her to be happy, but I know it can’t happen with me.

Anyhow. I have this nagging feeling I’m going to have to take some equipment to China in the next couple of weeks. This will be trip # 9 and will push my total time there to well over 6 months. I also heard about some of the details of the layoff packages people are getting. Lay me off!! Nearly four months of pay plus unemployment… sign me up! If I can’t find a decent job in that time, then I don’t deserve one. Then again, a couple of weeks in a hotel room by myself? I have a hard time not enjoying such rare solitude.

Fej.

Stupid game

What a stupid game… Thanks a lot to my friend at work that sent it to me, not. I’m still playing it even as I create this post. I can go months without playing any sort of game at all. Then all of a sudden I’m addicted to one.

I was really busy at work so I only got a chance to try it briefly during lunch. Then I got home tonight and haven’t stopped playing it since. I played through the entire conference call with China and haven’t stopped yet. I finally beat my high score I set early in the evening, but did that make me stop? No. I could have crushed it but I screwed up and rammed into a giraffe.

You may read this and think I’m just a dork. I suppose that could apply to most of my postings though. If you have ever found yourself addicted to a game, don’t follow the link below. If you do, then don’t pass it on to your co-workers or anyone else that you could become competitively involved with. Once you start talking smack and sending “print screens” of your high score back and forth, it’s too late.

This is the 5th game in a series, just stay away from this one and the 4th and you’ll be okay.

Fej.

YETI Sports

Lunch

Lunches will probably be the straw that breaks this camel’s back. Not my own lunches mind you, but those of my three lovely children. Combined they like a variety of seven foods. This does not count universal favorites such as French fries, candy, popcorn, etc. I’m talking about actual “somewhat” healthy foods. Seven tops.

I’ve seriously considered taking them on a camping trip and then “mistakenly” forgetting the food. After a couple of days I’d then take them back into civilization and only offer them foods they “didn’t” like. Once they realize they are completely spoiled and need to broaden their food horizons, they’ll be cured. Then once I got out of jail, everything would be fine.

I was a picky kid, but I was a world traveling child food critic compared to these spoiled brats. Yes, I know, it is all my fault. That is the worst part. I can blame no one else.

So, today’s lunches were about 65% consumed I’d have to guess? When it came to “what do you want tomorrow?” the responses were pretty weak. My son no longer likes bologna, my youngest daughter doesn’t like the Ranch flavored chips I bought especially for her, and the pickiest of them all decided she’d just eat what she didn’t finish from today’s lunch…. And it’s only the first day….

Fej.

Night before the first day of school

We have all of their school supplies, even the damned little pink erasers that were out of stock everywhere. Lunches are all made and in the fridge, I just have to remember to grab them (that’s 50% of the battle). Clothes are all laid out and alarm clocks are set. The kids are all in bed (not asleep) before 10:00 PM. That’s enough for me.

We just found out that my oldest daughter’s middle school has a dress code. Thank you Internet for telling me this, no thank you to me, who just decided to check this on the Sunday night before the first day of school. If they enforce it then that means no jeans. That is all she wears. I might be out scraping the bottom of the barrel and buying her a new wardrobe tomorrow night.

Money is as usual a subject of some anxiety. If you read this post Figuring it out then you’ll remember about my wife’s working habits. She is out of work again. She is in complete despair about not making any money and “now whatever will she do”? She is the master at getting hired; she just can’t keep a job. There ought to be a need for people who can do just that, it might be called politics or even marketing.

I am tired. Tomorrow will be busy, exciting, loud, and stressful all before I even make it to work. I forgot to mention that in all the excitement of getting my oldest daughter’s school transfer in order, I neglected to get her registered… Therefore we have to show up when the office opens, hope that I’m the only loser parent that forgot about this, and attempt to minimize the amount of mental stress that this has on my daughter. I suppose I’m being dramatic here but this crap stresses me out.

Good night,

Fej.

Mexico

My wife called me at 6:00 AM to tell me that she and a friend were on their way to “somewhere” in Mexico. How do you correctly react to a phone call like this at 6:00 AM on Saturday morning? Why they were going wasn’t even clear to her except that she had received a call from a friend in tears and that she needed someone to go with her to Mexico, Juarez at least and possibly as far as Chihuahua. Two women, rather attractive at that, alone and traveling through Mexico… Am I the only one who sees a problem with this? Other than the two in question, probably not.

She never had any qualms about venturing off on things like this. The friend that was always there and rarely gave any thought to what might happen. But a good friend none the less. She would put every ounce of herself into everything she did. It was what she actually chose to do that really determined what sort of person she was. House cleaning… for months on end she would not even attempt to “maintain” things as they were. Our house would be as clean as I could keep it while working 40 + hours a week, going to school full time, taking care of the children, the house, her, and everything else that needed attention. Not a clean house, but livable and it would have been much worse had I submitted to giving up. Then, on an “apparent” whim, while I slept she’d stay up until dawn cleaning the house to a disturbing degree. For the next week or two I’d manage to keep things up for a while but then without any help and my time away at work and school, the house would return to the same ravaged state.

Bipolar disorder is a very complex problem and this is only one of the many ways that it manifests itself. I’ll try to add more on this subject later as it helps me to stay focused on why I am at this stage in my life. No matter how wrong everything sometimes feels, all it takes is a little detailed look into the past and I suddenly feel reassured that despite how difficult it is to let go of every idea of what the future should hold, what I am doing is the right thing. Most importantly, it is the right thing for everyone involved, I hope.

Fej.

Late Friday night

So I announce to my kids that as of 10:30 PM I was tired (due to drinking more than usual from 5:00 PM) and that I was going to sleep. They can brush their own teeth and get in bed on their own. They inform me at this point that mom didn’t feed them dinner yet. I picked them up at nearly 9:00 PM!!!! No dinner and I only hear of it now??!! So I decide that instead of taking it out on my time consciously challenged children that I’ll respect the prospect that they probably had lunch around 5:00 PM.

I just finished making multiple waffles and slicing several pieces of cheddar cheese and I’m more tired then before. Frustration is mounting quickly and breakfast is closing in fast. I love my children, I love my children,…. I really need to go to sleep. Thankfully it is Friday night….

Fej.

Friday

I enjoy Friday’s like this one. The kind where your good friends that you rarely get to hang with call you at the last minute, inspiring you to lie to your boss to get off early, then tell your wife (who doesn’t live with you anymore and would have had a coronary when she did) that you’ll be out drinking until who knows when so hold on to the kids until I get there, and then go and have a very relaxed and enjoyable beer or three.

It was fun, we didn’t get anywhere near drunk and ended up at his house because his wife was going out. He needed to watch the kids so we had one more beer and showed his kids how to do chip shots with rotten apples. A good night for me at least.

I picked up the kids and we went home. They have all disappeared into my oldest daughter’s room, which is a good sign until I hear screaming. That has only occurred about 3 times so far and only one of them sustained to the point where I needed to check for foul play or battery. All parties involved were cleared of any charges and remain at large.

So goes a typical Friday night at our house. I have had more to drink than usual however and need sleep desperately. If only they were more trust worthy and tired…. So, I’m writing this to you in an attempt to stay awake….
Fej.zzzz…

Dragons

I found this on another blog. Anyway, I'm no Dungeons and Dragons fan but I thought this was pretty cool anyway.

Fej, the Mithril Dragon.

I am a A Mithril Dragon!

Hey, I took the http://dragonhame.com online Inner Dragon quiz and found out I am a Mithril Dragon on the inside.

In the war between good and evil, Mithril Dragons take the side of the noble and good....
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon walks a fine line between Law and Chaos....
As far as magical tendancies, Magical spells come as natural to the Mithril Dragon as breathe from it's body....
During combat situations, a true Mithril Dragon prefers to defeat opponents by the use of spells and other tactics....
Mithril Dragons build and dwell in castles of crystal, high in the mountainous regions. A Mithril Dragon is honest and gentle.'
Mithril Dragons are armored with highly reflective scales. To see one in bright sunshine has the effect of looking at a multi-ton, 150 ft. long disco ball.'
They tend to smile frequently but rarely laugh aloud. Mithril's dislike violence. A Mithril Dragon is very selective when choosing close friends, but is generally admired by all. A Mithril Dragon leads a very quiet and unobtrusive life. Never judgmental, the great Mithril Dragon's feelings run deep and true. Mithril Dragons mate for life.
'
This Dragons favorite elements are: Mithril, Earth, and Courage

http://Dragonhame.Com

blah.

Trying to get the kids into the school routine is proving difficult. None of them are looking forward to it and it is rapidly approaching. I’m desperately trying to get finances, cars, school supplies and such into some semblance of order. Things are better then they were… but they aren’t where I want them to be.

Fej.

I think I don't know.

Today I seem to have somewhat less to say than normal. This is in my case, often a sign of preoccupation or even dare I say contentment. Part of this is probably from my overall satisfaction with my new vehicle. Thankfully few people read this blog and I haven’t been pointed out to the ELF yet, that I know of. Also, I’ve been rather preoccupied with a lot of other things too. I’m actively working and not just talking about getting all of my finances in order. Things are improving despite the personal torment I’m going through. The number of years I’ve been stressing about this I’m sure will be directly proportionate to the number of years that I’ve already shortened my life by.

I don’t know where things are going on a personal level. The kids start school next week and that is stressing all of us out. Luckily, I don’t think I’ll have to go to China again as (soon) I had expected. Still the summer flew by, I swear it was early July just a week or two ago. I’ve been thinking more and more that I’m ready to finally make our split official and get the divorce over with. She had left the paper work with me before I left for Canada. When I came back, she had removed most of her remaining things from the closet including the divorce papers. I assumed that she had taken the initiative to fill them out on her own, but then the surprise hug she gave me yesterday would say otherwise. It took me by complete surprise and reaffirmed my own feelings: I don’t want her back. I’m not sure she felt my total lack of reciprocation, even if she did I don’t think she consciously acknowledged it.

I’m going to have to push her away, again, and make this split final myself. I had always hoped she would do this on her own. I don’t like to hurt anyone and I feel like, no, I know that have I enabled much of what she has become. I want her to be happy but I know that this can only come from someone else.

Proofreading this post I realize I had a lot more to say than I first thought. So there was a little bit of distraction and avoidance mixed in with the preoccupation and contentment… I’ll figure myself out one of these days.

Fej.

Suburbia

I went out and bought a big ole’ gas guzzling Suburban today. Why you ask? Especially given that every other one of my posts is a complaint about not having enough money? Well, my down payment was next month’s would-be car payment (on my rapidly decaying mini-van) and I’m now paying about $200 dollars less a month. It’s six years old too, so it’s not like I spent a whole bunch. Just hear me out, I’ve been trying to justify to myself the idea of doing this for months. As for getting a Suburban, I’ve always liked them and I wanted something big. Yes, I know that gas prices are at an all time high. Somehow it seems though that I’ve always got 5 or more passengers with me. Nieces, nephews, cousins, friends of the kids, etc., we’ll probably fill all eight seats weekly. To top it all off, with some very creative re-arranging and shoving around of crap, I managed to fit the beast in my garage. I’ll need to back it out every time I do laundry though :)

That was sort of stressful. Buying cars has never been fun and I’m not good at that sort of thing. I think I made out pretty well for once thanks to the dealer totally forgetting about paying off my van after already quoting a payment. We were two signatures away from being done when they caught it. I’m glad they did, as I would have been making payments on a van I no longer had possession of. I ended up getting way more than my trade was worth and he dropped the interest rate 3%. Of course you could also construe this to mean that I was getting bent over before hand and just lucked out and got a fair deal. I like the optimistic explanation better…

That pretty much blew most of the day. Then it was show and tell at work and the kids just about blew a gasket. They really liked it. I also went by my sisters and we ended up staying for dinner. This relieves some pressure from my Jeep’s aversion to liquidity. I still need to sell it, now that I finally have a vehicle capable of towing it every place I’ve wanted to take it without actually driving it. Go figure.

Fej.

The Sunday after...

Wow. I haven’t had a night like that in a long time.

The first get together went really well. It was just an afternoon barbecue and a few beers. Our team has been together for six years or so now and a significant number of the original members are still on it. It was at the house of one of our female players. Her husband is a total Jeep fanatic as it turns out. He showed us his completely customized, 8” lift, off-road machine. It’s a blend of CJ, TJ, and YJ. Everyone couldn’t understand why I was selling my Jeep but I didn’t want to go into all of the agonizing detail. He also runs a Jeep web-site and said he would be glad to post it online, so that was a bonus.

We finished there at about 8:30 and I bought more beer and joined the poker party. I am not much of a poker player but I really enjoy playing. I think I did pretty well considering but I didn’t take any money home either. They were drinking a lot and I didn’t turn any down and in retrospect I should have. Man was today rough.

To start it off, I woke up at my friends house. They were up and about all ready and razed me about how funny I was last night. I couldn’t see any major stains or damage so apparently nothing really bad happened. I’m glad they got a kick out of it and weren’t upset or anything. I’m just a clumsier version of my normal self when I’ve been drinking. I don’t fight, get emotional or any of the other annoying habits that sometimes accompanies being drunk. Still, I didn’t want to pass out at the party. I was really enjoying hanging out with old friends and didn’t notice when I had had too much I suppose. I went home and slept another six hours and then dragged myself out of bed to get the kids.

I’m still hurting but a little wiser too, I hope.

Fej.

Friday night...

I have been looking forward to Friday night all week. Granted, this was a 4-day week, but a rough one none the less. Okay, it wasn’t that rough. I’m still employed, someone actually called about my Jeep, and well, I’ve made it this far.

Ultimately, despite what you might read in this blog, I am an optimist. I am so probably to a fault. I still love the cartoon of the frog choking the pelican, as he try’s to swallow the frog. “Never give up”, was the caption, sorry I don’t have a link or picture but you’ve probably seen it before.

I’ve been reading lot’s of other people’s blogs and really enjoy them all. I’m just happy it’s Friday, and another weekend will have flown by shortly, but I’m going to enjoy what I can of it as long as possible.

Fej.

This is a shot from the lake. The dried out areas are just remnants of the Missionary Ridge fire of 2 years ago.

This is the "backyard" photo of my grandparents cabin we stayed at last weekend. I love this place...

What a difference one phone call makes

I didn’t get a single call the last time my Jeep ran in the paper. Today was the first day it ran again and I got a call already. I think I really pissed of Murphy of “Murphy’s Law” at some point. During the call that showed up as unknown, not only did I lose signal, but then the phone shut off. With no beeps or warnings my month old phone was dead. I had to "Sprint" to my car to grab the charger that I happened to bring along. Luckily he left a message with his number. The guy wanted to see it today so I had to rush home. He seemed to like it but said he would “get back to me”. I’m not disappointed by any means; at least I got a call. Maybe I’ll actually get the Jeep sold this weekend. Enough time has passed where I’m not such a wreck about actually selling it and I’m getting rather impatient. That helps, but I’m sure it will be a real shocker to see someone else drive it away, for good.

The rumors have been flying all over work for the last two weeks. Today was rumored to be the day of the biggest layoffs we’ve seen in a while. Nothing happened but Friday’s are more typically when this sort of thing occurs so we’ll just have to see how things go. I had a rather productive day. By chance, or thorough troubleshooting techniques as I’d rather say, I found the cause of a problem that had been plaguing the designers for weeks. That’s my job, I point to the problem. Fixing it is a whole other mess that I try to stay out of. I recently came to the realization that I’ve worked for this company for a 3rd of my life. I don’t really know what to say about that. I think I’ll be the first person in line to kick my own ass if I retire from this company.

I have an end of season party and a poker party to go to this weekend. That’s not one, but two social events to attend on the same day. My mom has already agreed to take the kids and with any luck they’ll spend the night. Some of these guys I’ve known since the 2nd grade, others high school and later. Both were quite some time ago either way. I get to go solo of course but I’m getting better with that. After 11 years I finally decide to call it quits and now all of my single friends are married. Go figure…

Fej.

Figuring it out...

So I think I’m beginning to get a better handle on some of these negative feelings I’ve been somewhat more prone to lately. I suppose it’s been more over the last year really. It doesn’t take a whole lot, but a few little things and I’m brewing inside and not my usual pleasant self. It does seem to happen quite often when the kids are present, but unless I’m at work, the kids are present (or I’m on my way to get them). Time to myself is somewhat of a sparse occurrence.

Tonight I began to find myself quite flustered with no real obvious event to point a finger at. I think it’s that all demands are pointed at me. My kids (not to be blamed of course) are an obvious source of need. They sometimes seem overwhelming. Those times are probably equally divided by my own need to have some personal time and at other times because children will push you to your limit and then head butt you over the edge. I have no one else to depend on; it’s just me. I think that is the bulk of it. My wife is helping much more so then when we lived together, but she is basically providing daycare for free (minus the car, phone, rent, gas, insurance, and compulsive shopping payments I continue to make). She is starting to contribute on that end as well, but I’m not going to get excited, as she has never stuck to any job for more than 2 years. That may not seem so bad but we are talking about over 30 jobs in a time span of 12 years or so, draw your own conclusions from this point.

Now to take the next step, I first need to get divorced. Then, I need to be better prepared to be single. That will take much time, as I am no where near prepared. To make matters worse, I’m a horrible liar. I can’t quite find the appropriate wording that describes my current situation and yet I still come out as an attractive mate. Oh well, if a woman did pop into my life right now it would screw everything up anyway I’m sure. Not necessarily in a bad way, maybe a really good way, but I’m still trying to get everything else in some semblance of order first.

In the end, I’m beginning to understand my problems and myself such that I think I can get these issues under control. Now all I need, is the time, patience, money, lack of odd (expensive) occurrences, stability, and some luck wouldn’t hurt all that much. I guess I just described what everyone wants though , so I’ll stop complaining.
Fej.

Back home

Our rather fortuitous trip turned out to be a nice one. The only thing I forgot was my dog’s leash and that was hardly an issue. He does great despite my lack of ever attempting to train him. Side note: strive to be the kind of person your dog thinks you to be. (Quoted from someone else, who deserves the credit, I obviously don’t know who that is).

We had fun, I worked on all sorts of projects, and the kids seemed to enjoy things. I don’t remember being as difficult to please when I was a child. I found myself focusing my efforts on ways to entertain them to the point that it distracted from my own enjoyment. I do remember being set free to do my own thing and doing just fine. That turned out to be the best approach in the end. “Can we go to the river?” I found myself saying sure. Then after they left, all the worries of what could go wrong began to flood in. Then I countered with the memories of myself being much younger and going places much further away and doing things much more dangerous at a younger age. I survived, and learned, and now have to go through the torture a child rarely feels when absent from their parent…

Age. My grandfather, who I also realize that I have modeled much of my own habits, behavior, and values after, is beginning to lose his memory. It’s odd how it works. Some older memories are as clear as a bell to him, while some are gone entirely. The same seems to occur with new memories, some are clear, some are just partial, and some are just gone. It’s sad to watch but I think this is something I need to see. He knows this is happening and that makes it even more difficult for him.

My wife was not able to make it up after all. I should have never even brought up the possibility of her coming up and finishing the week up there with the kids after I left. I held out thinking she really did want to come and that the thought of 3 or 4 days to myself was a potential reality. I probably held out for the latter reason alone. The kids were disappointed of course but my grandfather took it in surprising stride. He is very close to her and is beginning to recognize what is happening with us, but with difficulty.

It was a good, extended, weekend after all.

Fej.