I think I don't know.
Today I seem to have somewhat less to say than normal. This is in my case, often a sign of preoccupation or even dare I say contentment. Part of this is probably from my overall satisfaction with my new vehicle. Thankfully few people read this blog and I haven’t been pointed out to the ELF yet, that I know of. Also, I’ve been rather preoccupied with a lot of other things too. I’m actively working and not just talking about getting all of my finances in order. Things are improving despite the personal torment I’m going through. The number of years I’ve been stressing about this I’m sure will be directly proportionate to the number of years that I’ve already shortened my life by.
I don’t know where things are going on a personal level. The kids start school next week and that is stressing all of us out. Luckily, I don’t think I’ll have to go to China again as (soon) I had expected. Still the summer flew by, I swear it was early July just a week or two ago. I’ve been thinking more and more that I’m ready to finally make our split official and get the divorce over with. She had left the paper work with me before I left for Canada. When I came back, she had removed most of her remaining things from the closet including the divorce papers. I assumed that she had taken the initiative to fill them out on her own, but then the surprise hug she gave me yesterday would say otherwise. It took me by complete surprise and reaffirmed my own feelings: I don’t want her back. I’m not sure she felt my total lack of reciprocation, even if she did I don’t think she consciously acknowledged it.
I’m going to have to push her away, again, and make this split final myself. I had always hoped she would do this on her own. I don’t like to hurt anyone and I feel like, no, I know that have I enabled much of what she has become. I want her to be happy but I know that this can only come from someone else.
Proofreading this post I realize I had a lot more to say than I first thought. So there was a little bit of distraction and avoidance mixed in with the preoccupation and contentment… I’ll figure myself out one of these days.
Fej.
I don’t know where things are going on a personal level. The kids start school next week and that is stressing all of us out. Luckily, I don’t think I’ll have to go to China again as (soon) I had expected. Still the summer flew by, I swear it was early July just a week or two ago. I’ve been thinking more and more that I’m ready to finally make our split official and get the divorce over with. She had left the paper work with me before I left for Canada. When I came back, she had removed most of her remaining things from the closet including the divorce papers. I assumed that she had taken the initiative to fill them out on her own, but then the surprise hug she gave me yesterday would say otherwise. It took me by complete surprise and reaffirmed my own feelings: I don’t want her back. I’m not sure she felt my total lack of reciprocation, even if she did I don’t think she consciously acknowledged it.
I’m going to have to push her away, again, and make this split final myself. I had always hoped she would do this on her own. I don’t like to hurt anyone and I feel like, no, I know that have I enabled much of what she has become. I want her to be happy but I know that this can only come from someone else.
Proofreading this post I realize I had a lot more to say than I first thought. So there was a little bit of distraction and avoidance mixed in with the preoccupation and contentment… I’ll figure myself out one of these days.
Fej.
posted by Fej at 11:14 PM
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