Figuring it out...
So I think I’m beginning to get a better handle on some of these negative feelings I’ve been somewhat more prone to lately. I suppose it’s been more over the last year really. It doesn’t take a whole lot, but a few little things and I’m brewing inside and not my usual pleasant self. It does seem to happen quite often when the kids are present, but unless I’m at work, the kids are present (or I’m on my way to get them). Time to myself is somewhat of a sparse occurrence.
Tonight I began to find myself quite flustered with no real obvious event to point a finger at. I think it’s that all demands are pointed at me. My kids (not to be blamed of course) are an obvious source of need. They sometimes seem overwhelming. Those times are probably equally divided by my own need to have some personal time and at other times because children will push you to your limit and then head butt you over the edge. I have no one else to depend on; it’s just me. I think that is the bulk of it. My wife is helping much more so then when we lived together, but she is basically providing daycare for free (minus the car, phone, rent, gas, insurance, and compulsive shopping payments I continue to make). She is starting to contribute on that end as well, but I’m not going to get excited, as she has never stuck to any job for more than 2 years. That may not seem so bad but we are talking about over 30 jobs in a time span of 12 years or so, draw your own conclusions from this point.
Now to take the next step, I first need to get divorced. Then, I need to be better prepared to be single. That will take much time, as I am no where near prepared. To make matters worse, I’m a horrible liar. I can’t quite find the appropriate wording that describes my current situation and yet I still come out as an attractive mate. Oh well, if a woman did pop into my life right now it would screw everything up anyway I’m sure. Not necessarily in a bad way, maybe a really good way, but I’m still trying to get everything else in some semblance of order first.
In the end, I’m beginning to understand my problems and myself such that I think I can get these issues under control. Now all I need, is the time, patience, money, lack of odd (expensive) occurrences, stability, and some luck wouldn’t hurt all that much. I guess I just described what everyone wants though , so I’ll stop complaining.
Fej.
Tonight I began to find myself quite flustered with no real obvious event to point a finger at. I think it’s that all demands are pointed at me. My kids (not to be blamed of course) are an obvious source of need. They sometimes seem overwhelming. Those times are probably equally divided by my own need to have some personal time and at other times because children will push you to your limit and then head butt you over the edge. I have no one else to depend on; it’s just me. I think that is the bulk of it. My wife is helping much more so then when we lived together, but she is basically providing daycare for free (minus the car, phone, rent, gas, insurance, and compulsive shopping payments I continue to make). She is starting to contribute on that end as well, but I’m not going to get excited, as she has never stuck to any job for more than 2 years. That may not seem so bad but we are talking about over 30 jobs in a time span of 12 years or so, draw your own conclusions from this point.
Now to take the next step, I first need to get divorced. Then, I need to be better prepared to be single. That will take much time, as I am no where near prepared. To make matters worse, I’m a horrible liar. I can’t quite find the appropriate wording that describes my current situation and yet I still come out as an attractive mate. Oh well, if a woman did pop into my life right now it would screw everything up anyway I’m sure. Not necessarily in a bad way, maybe a really good way, but I’m still trying to get everything else in some semblance of order first.
In the end, I’m beginning to understand my problems and myself such that I think I can get these issues under control. Now all I need, is the time, patience, money, lack of odd (expensive) occurrences, stability, and some luck wouldn’t hurt all that much. I guess I just described what everyone wants though , so I’ll stop complaining.
Fej.
posted by Fej at 11:03 PM
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