Another Reason Why I'm Going To Hell

The scene: I’m at a wedding reception of an old high school friend of mine. Lot’s of old and current friends, we’ve all had some time to have a few drinks, dinner will be served soon. The wedding party finally comes in after hours of pictures and things finally get going. There is a quick toast and then the groom’s father steps up to give a little talk. Then he asks everyone to join him in a blessing and a few words in prayer. The room falls silent (for the first time that evening) and just before he begins, a cell phone rings.

It’s mine.

My hushed reaction: “God damn it…”

Fortunately for me, with my phone all I have to do is press any button and it will silence.

However my table was desperately snickering and stifling uncontrollable laughter during the whole prayer.

No one at any other table heard me luckily.

Who was calling? Of course it was my STBE, from the hospital. At least she didn’t leave a message.

So, how big of a deal is it to curse and use God’s name in vain during a prayer?


Jeff

Interesting Week

Yes, it was an interesting week here in my world. Let’s see, do I dare break it down? Okay just a little of it:

I’m busy at work. It seems like an annoyance really. I’ve been there so long it’s like a chore. But, I’m not slacking, I’m really working pretty hard. It’s just so difficult to pull yourself through work that you have no desire to do. That’s why I’m going back to school again to hopefully one day find a job that I driven to work at diligently, if it’s not so much to ask, one that I really enjoy and want to retire from some day.

School. I swear there really ought to be a dress code. How in the hell is an almost 33-year-old guy soon to be legally single after 12 years of marriage (and after another agonizing 2 ½ years of limbo…) supposed to concentrate on school with all of these young women prancing around in inappropriate clothing?! Is this college or just a big and expensive place to date and show off your wares?

Sheesh.

So, I know have 11 books, umpteen online articles and journals to read, and close to 100 pages worth of research papers to complete. Hmm. Things aren’t looking good. If this load proves to be too much I’ll drop one class prior to the refund date. But I won’t drop both. I do want to do this. If nothing else, just to see all the beautiful women… wait, did I just transcribe that thought?

I’ve just about finished the paperwork necessary to total my STBE’s(soon to be ex-wife's) car. Luckily we did buy the GAP insurance. I don’t really want to go into the details. I suspect it was divine intervention personally but I’m scared to mention it less something goes wrong. Oops.

She called me yesterday morning after I drove all over town dropping off kids and then just getting to work. She wanted to check herself into the hospital again. She has kicked all of the loitering folks out of her apartment and didn’t want them to know she’d be gone for a week or two. So, I head back across town to pick her up and drop her off downtown. It’s good though. At first she would douse her emotional upsurge (or down-surge) with medication, etc. Or an emotional rampage that brought destruction to her own relationships, ours of course, and many, many others as well. Recently, she has reached the point where she recognizes that her emotions will soon be out of control. This little "vacation" was preemptive so to speak. I’m hoping its progress too.

My sister-in-law wants to “meet” with me to tell me things about my STBE. I’m thinking, what could she possibly tell me that I don’t already know? On second thought, maybe I don’t want to have that conversation…

Have a good weekend all,


Jeff

Um, School Started, So That Is My uh, Excuse.

Well, I’ve been a bit too busy to blog much lately. I’ve also been slacking on my reading. Unfortunately I don’t see this particular lack of blog activity dissipating any time soon either. I’m not so sure this is the end of my blog necessarily but definitely a less often updated one.

I started school today and I’ve already figured out that I’m not ready for one of the classes that so conveniently fit into my schedule. I don’t have any remote idea of a potential thesis topic yet so no, I need to change this class. This same professor though is doing a Proseminar class that just might work out instead.

At work, despite the doomsday rumors I’m very busy. I don’t even have time to look for another job or keep up with the news anymore. Is that just sad? Spoiled you say? Maybe…

Nine books for two classes... what kind of crap is that?


Jeff

A New Place

This evening, despite what seemed like a million frustrations coming together all at once, in a pinnacle, right on me, I found a new place to deal with it all a little better than normal. I really don’t even want to go into the details of the stuff leading up to these frustrations, it’s a bit more than I’d like to share. Not all of it’s bad but some of it’s not so good. As usual an optimist like myself would then reason that things are going okay. So, I suppose they are.

I changed into comfortable shorts, pulled down the bikes, grabbed a chair, a beer, let my dog and many cats outside, and we sat. We watched kids ride all over the neighborhood. My kids. As if we had just moved in. We’ve been here just nine years or so. They rode and rode and rode. And complained and argued and crashed and I adjusted handle bars and seat heights and gave cats attention that I didn’t really feel like giving attention to but I did. But, in the end, I spent most of that time in a chair, with a beer, watching clouds drift by slowly. Not like they do when you only check on them every fifteen minutes or so, but like when you concentrate on them, focus, and watch them slowly pass by.

I don’t know what you’ll think of that, but I liked it. Then, I had to put the bikes back up, get them ready for bed, make lunches…


Jeff

What if?

Would a woman in my life really help anything?

Just how would butterflies in my stomach and daydreams all day help me stay focused? I don’t have time for my job, I just need the money. I barely get everything done that I need to as it is already. I’m with my kids an average of 6.75 days a week so nights out alone are rare to say the least. My “free time” is spent cleaning and maintaining my house, cars, yard, and any optimistic observer would question whether that even happens at all.

I’m still legally married. I’m sure I’ll be paying off debt for the rest of my life. Even once the divorce is final (which I took a few important steps on today…) I’ll forever have her in my life and herd of nutty ex-in-laws too. Plus she’ll have more legal power to make my life miserable after we are divorced than she does now. One reason why I am taking these final steps towards a finalized divorce ever so carefully.

Then I’ll be a single father with children who gets out once a month. And I’ve already realized I likely won’t find who I’m looking for at a bar. So maybe this whole going back to school thing could be an even better idea?

So, back to where I started. What if I do meet a woman? That I like, and she likes me, and is okay with all the above crap, and can put up with my wacko life? Hmm. I suppose if she can handle all that then I’ve answered my own question.

Jeff

Thursday Stuff

I’ve spent some ridiculous amount of money on school supplies and clothes. I somehow accidentally signed my youngest daughter up for the bi-lingual program. My son says his new teacher just “blabbers” all day long. My oldest seems to have a new attitude about school. I strongly suspect it has to do with not being a six-grader anymore.

I’m busy at work now, quite steadily too. I’m not all that happy about it but then again the day passes quickly. I’m not up on my current events like I normally am but I guess that’s the way it should be. All the while, it appears ever more apparent that many of us will be laid off soon. Certainly before the end of the year. Bring it on. I could use the change.

I’m totally committed to going to school again minus paying my tuition (due tomorrow) and buying books. However I am admitted, enrolled in two graduate classes and I have a new shiny ID card. After tomorrow I will just be missing books. And time. I have no time.

Tonight we got home, of course after 7:00 PM, stopping for more school supplies, prescriptions, wine, dresses for my ex-wife’s friend who isn’t talking to her and my ex is doing the same. I had to address the noise coming from my air conditioner, then my ex-wife’s friend came by to pick up the old water bed that my ex-wife had given to her friend’s sister. The 70% wave-less mattress weighs about 300 lbs. after being drained by the way.

Then the kids wanted their bikes down, one of the hooks in the ceiling was coming loose, I had to drill a hole (or five), to find wood behind the drywall, I think I found wood, maybe. The AC was a mess, who takes care of this place anyway?!

But. I got an email today. I’m sure it was just a friendly note. It took me fifteen minutes to finally decide on a reply to her two-sentences. It’s probably nothing. But I hope not.


Jeff

Last One

The aftermath of the fire is still quite obvious.

Yet somehow, beautiful.

My kids... obviously don't know how to work the flash on my camera. Probably for the best. It was just a quick nap, really.

The Jet

I'm not even sure if it's a Leer Jet. I don't know these things obviously, I just drive those who do to these sorts of places...

Our Weekend

That was quite a weekend. There were kids and dishes and socks and laundry and shoes (never a matching pair) and Leer Jet’s and ATV’s out of gas and flat tires and trees and scratches...

The good news is that we all had a great weekend. All the kids including my daughter’s friend had a lot of fun and didn’t want to go back home today. I didn’t want to leave either and my grandfather would gladly have let us stay through the rest of the week.

The bad news is that while attempting to show my daughter’s friend how to ride the two-wheeler, she drove through some low hanging tree branches and scratched the crap out of her face. That evening was a stressful one. None of the scratches actually drew any blood but it was obvious that she would and eventually did develop some pretty hefty scabs. Lovely. Technically it was my fault, I did agree to let her try. While it wouldn’t help me in court, I found that this particular child panics easily and does the exact opposite of what I had just instructed her to do. She not only rode straight into the tree but she gunned it the whole way through.

Her mom was very good about it all and her face looked much better today. I don’t think that there will be any lasting marks. Plus, she was soooo excited about the trip, the discussion of the incident never even came up when I dropped her off.

Phewwww.

Then my dog tried to drown himself by swimming out to us while the kids and I were paddling around the lake. It got kind of scary for a few minutes when I went to look for him. He was swimming in a bunch of bushes that were in shallow water. We could see the bushes moving and hear him paddling around, and then nothing…

I waded out, very dry, and then as I got further out it started to get relatively deep. I expected to brush up against my dead dog once the water hit my chest but then there he was. He had scrambled into the middle of a bush and kept himself above water. He was shivering and scared and so I grabbed him and walked back to shore as the hero. I was however soaking wet and it was not the warmest day. Stupid dog.

Leer Jet? Yes, we got to peer inside the Leer Jet that my cousin’s wife and family piled into to fly back to Houston. We gave them a ride to the airport and drove out onto the tarmac, I’ll post some pictures later.

There was more but this is long enough. I’ll try to catch up with everyone later.


Jeff

Out-A-Here, Again.

Well, there are no training wheel-assisted bikes in this household any longer. The last of my children is riding on two wheels only. And they rode and they rode and they rode... They are truly exploring our neighborhood like never before. I like that.

We are off to Colorado again tomorrow evening, I’ll be far away from internet connections and mobile phones. I can’t wait. We are taking an extra 8-year-old along to entertain my own. That would be four children, one dog, an 89-year-old grandfather and myself. It will be a busy weekend. But working hard there doesn’t even feel like working, if you know what I mean.

Have a good weekend everyone, school starts late next week for us. I will start too at the end of the month myself if everything works out. I think it will.


Jeff

Change is Good?

Changes are on the way. I don’t even want to start with school, my kids and I are not ready. Summer vacation was wayyyyyyyy too short. Then there is me. I might do it. I might. Start. Again.

I’ve been threatening for years now, sometimes just to defer my student loans, sometimes because I get this wild hair that I’m going to become a real engineer. But despite the fact that I’ve done this for the last 6 years without a degree, I don’t want it. It’s not me. I think I’m beginning to understand just who I am. It’s not pretty.

I might just go back and get my Masters degree. In… don’t laugh, Political Science. Pumping out a 6 page research paper in just two hours for someone else kind of helped me realize that one should really do what they enjoy if at all possible. How I’ll make any money or even find a job in this field is of little concern. I’m going to win the lottery too.


Jeff