Gift Wrapping, for Men
I wish I could give credit to the true author of this, it's just something I received via email several years ago. I re-send it out every year because it's soooo appropriate.
Anyway, if the author comes across this, I just want to share your brilliance with everyone who happens to read my blog.
Here it is:
It is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb --
went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover
an important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no
mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
"And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper."
"And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman."
"And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, `Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!"
"And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs."
"And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for
example, the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people
giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is
not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Collin, who said the only
time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "it's such a poor gift that I
don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is my
friend Brian, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had
to wonder which presents I wrapped at Christmas," Brian said. "They
were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I
can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the
size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes
I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient
Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body
would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my mom a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My mom, like many women,
actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very
close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my
mom would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills -- like having
babies -- that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it.
This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky
recipient on Christmas morning: YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash
bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time
of year, is that you save the receipt.
Anyway, if the author comes across this, I just want to share your brilliance with everyone who happens to read my blog.
Here it is:
It is the time of year when we think back to the very first
Christmas, when the Three Wise Men -- Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb --
went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew,
"presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."
These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover
an important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no
mention of wrapping paper.
If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:
"And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper."
"And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman."
"And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him,
she saideth, `Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next
year!"
"And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs."
"And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for
example, the frankincense."
But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very
first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people
giving those gifts had two important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of
putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is
not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical
survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Collin, who said the only
time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "it's such a poor gift that I
don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is my
friend Brian, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of
principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had
to wonder which presents I wrapped at Christmas," Brian said. "They
were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I
can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck
of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the
size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and
taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes
I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient
Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body
would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my mom a 12-inch square of wrapping
paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My mom, like many women,
actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires
batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very
close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my
mom would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills -- like having
babies -- that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why
today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN
Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the
recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can
claim that it's myrrh.
The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to
make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple
sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring
and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.
If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just
put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it.
This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky
recipient on Christmas morning: YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash
bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time
of year, is that you save the receipt.
posted by Fej at 1:38 AM
4 Comments:
Just be thankful it's a guitar not a drumkit you'll be attempting to wrap. think of the man hours on that - and yes... men DO suck at wrapping, the mop and bucket set I recieved (festively wrapped as you noted on the post) took him 30 minutes to complete, and it's (i have to say) a pretty poor job.
but it made my mum laugh hysterically for almost a full day so all's well eh?!
shame its not a kit though *grin* chicks with sticks - that can tick tock - rock.
I detest wrapping gifts. I'm officially a bagger these days. Much less labor intensive.
I hate wrapping. I suck at it. I don't have the patience. And it's just a complete pain-in-the-ass.
But I will do it. Tomorrow night at around 11:00 pm. The gifts will be covered. Someone's name be on each gift. And if their lucky, they might get bows...the kind where you peel and stick.
BTW...that post made my night!
-K.
I LOVE wrapping presents! I am not ashamed to admit and if you lived in Las Cruces, instead of ABQ, I would come over to your house and wrap every single present. My husband always teases me when we walk past the gift wrapping booth in the mall, that they took my dream job. I love getting the perfect corners and creases. Its sick and I know it. I also love using only four pieces of tape to wrap gifts and in my family, they always know which ones I wrapped.
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